Computer Humor

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        This page consists of jokes that have been emailed to me. If you would like to add a joke to this page, SEND IT TO ME at (x98ruhf@netscape.net) and I will consider posting in on this page! It can be a joke, or it can be a true story of an actual humorous event.

        Contents:

        (1. A Long Search for a Missing File)
        (2. The "Badtimes" computer virus)
        (3. Windows messages)
        (4. Proverbs for the Millenium / Your relationship with your computer)
        (5. Virus Alerts)




        OH, THOSE DREADED MISSING FILES!

         "I once spent an hour searchng through my hard drive and piles of floppy disks to find a short paragraph (three sentences) that I needed again. When I found it, I realized it would have taken me only five minutes to have rewritten it from scratch."
        --Edward F. Redish (Department of Physics, University of Maryland)


        *****


        OH, THOSE DREADED COMPUTER VIRUSES!

         IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL ENTITLED "BADTIMES," DELETE IT IMMEDIATELY! DO NOT ATTEMPT TO OPEN OR READ IT. This one is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.
        (1) It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
        (2) It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
        (3) It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
        (4) It will program your phone AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
        (5) It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
        (6) It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.
        (7) It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is fun until someone loses an eye.
        (8) If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
        (9) It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
        (10) It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. If you are a vegetarian, it will transform your tofu into pork. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like B.O.
         It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. These are just a few signs of infection. FORWARD THIS URGENT INFORMATION TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW IMMEDIATELY!!!


        *****


        OH, THOSE DREADED WINDOWS MESSAGES...

         The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration by Microsoft:
        1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
        2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
        3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
        4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
        5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
        6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
        7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
        8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
        9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
        10. Windows message: "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!"
        11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
        12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
        13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
        14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
        15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
        16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
        17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
        18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
        19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
        20. User Error: Replace user.
        21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
        22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
        23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
        24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.


        *****


        OH, THOSE DREADED COMPUTERS!

         Proverbs for the Millenium
        1. Home is where you hang your @
        2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
        3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
        4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
        5. Great groups from little icons grow.
        6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
        7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
        8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
        9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
        10. The modem is the message.
        11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
        12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
        13. A chat has nine lives.
        14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
        15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
        16. What boots up must come down.
        17. Windows will never cease.
        18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
        19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
        20. Modulation in all things.
        21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
        22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
        23. Know what to expect before you connect.
        24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
        25. Speed thrills.
        26. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

         You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....
        1. You wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
        2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
        3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
        4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
        5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
        6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
        7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
        8. You feel really depressed when your email box shows "no new messages."
        9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
        10. You move into a new house and you decide to netscape before you landscape.
        11. Your family always knows where you are.
        12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL."
        13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend.
        14. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
        15. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
        16. You have a list of 15 email addresses to reach your family of three.
        17. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
        18. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
        19. You chat several times a day with a stranger from New York, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbour yet this year.
        20. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a web page.
        21. Your daughter just downloaded all the records your college roommate used to play.
        22. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
        23. Your grandmother clogs up your email inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
        24. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
        25. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
        26. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
        27. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.
        28. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
        29. You're actually reading everything on this list.
        30. Worse, you relate to everything on this list!


        *****


        OH, THOSE DREADED VIRUS ALERTS!

         Virus alerts!
        PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C.
        AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting.
        MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.
        GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
        CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a messege appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
        AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Chicago but your data is in Singapore.
        STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before.
        TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
        PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to bring you British programming.


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