This page consists of some of the jokes and humorous stories (some of them true) that have been emailed to me. If you would like to add a joke to this page, SEND IT TO ME at (firstname.lastname@example.org) and I will consider posting in on this page! It can be a joke, or it can be a true story of an actual humorous event.
(2. Obnoxious people)
(3. The wisdom of supermodels)
(4. Things you would never know without the movies)
(5. The dumb robber)
(6. Male bash fest / His and her ATM explained)
(7. Something got lost in the translation...)
(8. The ultimate final exam)
(9. The hotel, the maid, and a bar of soap)
(10. Lateral thinking)
(11. Conversions Made Easy)
OH, THOSE DREADED TELEMARKETERS!
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Inquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food...
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
OH, THOSE DREADED OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE!
Reportedly a true story: On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a fine looking black gentleman. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she snapped out loud. "You've sat me next to a Kaffir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam," the stewardess replied. "I believe the
economy section is completely full today, but I'll go and check to see if we have any upgraded seats available in club or first class."
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers.) A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.
"Madam, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues:
"Please realize, it is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the extreme circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person."
With that, she turned to the black man and said:
"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your first-class seat ready for you..."
At which point, the surrounding passengers burst into a standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane.
OH, THOSE SUPERMODELS...
Challenges can seem almost insurmountable at times. And things appear to be getting not only harder, but weirder as well. One seeks help and turns to many sources including religion, psychology, family, friends, etc. But sometimes they're not enough. That's when you need...
**The Wisdom of the Supermodels**
ON COURAGE: "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind." -Cindy Crawford
ON POVERTY: "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." -Beverly Johnson
ON FATE: "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that." -Christie Brinkley
ON SELF-ESTEEM: "I loved making 'Rising Sun.' I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth." -Tatjana Patitz
ON ARRIVING: "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take."
-Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'
ON CAREER CHOICES: "My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian." -Paulina Porizkova
ON PRIORITIES: "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
ON INNER STRENGTH: "I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
ON TRAVEL: "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care." -Tyra Banks
ON BREAKTHROUGHS: "Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."
ON HEREDITY: "My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'" - Beverly Johnson
THE BASICS: "It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout." - Cheryl Tiegs
ON COURTSHIP: "The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby." - Fabio
ON PARADOX: "Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
ON TRAGEDY: "The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles, but I had on thick tights underneath." - Naomi Campbell
ON INSTINCT: "If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers." - Carol Alt
OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS: "I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them." - Cindy Crawford
ON ECONOMICS: "I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
- Linda Evangelista
ON THINKING: "When I model I pretty much blank out. You can't think too much or it doesn't work." - Paulina Porizkova
ON LOGIC: "I think, 'If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it, then it shouldn't be too big for me.'" - Christy Turlington
ON BODY PARTS: "I don't know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and I feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous." -Tyra Banks
ON BODY LANGUAGE: "You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact that I've gained weight." - Christy Turlington
ON DEPRIVATION: "If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time."- Linda Evangelista
ON MOTIVATION: "It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would." - Kate Moss
ON VERSATILITY: "I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak." - Linda Evangelista
ON THE GRIEF PROCESS: "When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss." - Veronica Webb
OH, THOSE MOVIES!
Things you would never know without the movies:
(1) If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
(2) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
(3) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
(4) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
(5) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
(6) It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
(7) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
(8) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
(9) If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
(10) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
(11) If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beasts, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
(12) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
(13) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
(14) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
(15) Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
(16) Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
(17) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
(18) Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
(19) Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
(20) A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
(21) Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
(22) Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
(23) Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
(24) It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
(25) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
(26) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
(27) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
(28) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
OH, THOSE DREADED DUMB CRIMINALS!
Read this from a Sunday paper in the magazine section. The Dumb robber:-
It seems a man wanting to rob a downtown bank of America walked into the branch and wrote:- "This is a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him writing the note and might call the police before he reached the teller. He left the bank and crossed the street to Wells Fargo where he waited a few minutes before handing the note to the teller who read it and surmised from the spelling mistake that he was not the brightest light in the harbour. She told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on the Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a new form or go back to the bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated he said OK and left.
The Wells Fargo teller called the police who arrested the robber a few minutes later as he was waiting in line at the Bank of America.
OH, THOSE MEN AND WOMEN!
Male bash fest:
(1) How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
(2) Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
(3) How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.
(4) What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
(5) How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
(6) Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
(7) Why don't men have mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
(8) How is being in a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
(9) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
(10) What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
(11) Ever wonder why the children of Israel wandered in the wilderness 40 years? The men in charge refused to ask for directions.
(12) Is it possible to change a man? Not unless he's in diapers.
(13) What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
(14) If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.
(15) Why isn't it good to let a man's mind wander? It's too little to be out alone.
(16) Why should women go for younger men? Because men never mature anyway.
(17) Men are all the same, they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
(18) Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
(19) Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
(20) What's the best way to get a man to do something? Suggest that he is too old for it.
(21) Where do you find a committed man? Look in a mental hospital.
(22) Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
(23) How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
(24) What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
(25) Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask directions.
(26) How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the e-mail folder "instruction manual."
(27) Sadly, all men are created equal.
(28) Here are the top ten things that men will never say:
(29) And finally, here are ten things that men know about women:
- Sometimes I just want to be held.
- We haven't been to the mall in ages, let's go shop and I'll hold your purse.
- Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
- No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
- I understand.
- Don't pick that up, I got it.
- Happy Anniversary!!!
- Hey, isn't today your mother's birthday?
- Let's talk, I miss talking.
- I was wrong.
And now the women...
His and Her ATM usage explained:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Make deposits and withdrawals
5. Take card and drive away
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Hit the break
41. Put car in reverse
42. Back up
43. Get out of car because you're too far from machine again
44. Take cash
45. Get back in car
46. Check makeup
47. Put cash in purse
48. Check makeup
49. Put car in drive
50. Drive away
OH, THOSE DREADED PRODUCT LABELS!
Something Got Lost in the Translation...
1. JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use.
2. A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning: keep out of children
3. A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS - Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
4. ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS - For indoor or outdoor use only.
5. ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
6. ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet; eat nuts.
7. ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate machinery
8. ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating
9. ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness
10. ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body
11. ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts
12. ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
OH, THOSE DREADED COLLEGE EXAMS!
Ultimate Final Exam
Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit - four hours.
(1) History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrate specifically but not exclusively, on the social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
(2) Literature: Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life in which you see and footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chaucer, Dante, Norse mythology and the Marx brothers. Critique your poem with a full discussion of its metrics.
(3) Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
(4) Art: Explain the Mona Lisa's smile. Relate all interpretations associated with it.
(5) Religion: Assuming the Judeo-Christian moral structure, take the stand for Adam and Eve, and the eating of the forbidden fruit. Explain your position fully to a Chassidic Rabbi, and answer his arguments. An Anglican bishop will moderate this debate.
(6) Logic: Using accepted methodology prove all four of the following: the universe is infinite; truth is beauty; there is not a little person who turns off the light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that you are the person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be specific; show all work.
(7) Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
(8) Epistemology: Take a position against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
(9) Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
(10) Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed five hundred years earlier, with special attention to the probable effects on the English Parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
(11) Psychology: Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic thought, successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality changes, bill yourself and fill out all medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the person seated to your immediate left. Also, based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
(12) Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
(13) Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of you plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all points of view. Point out deficiencies in your argument as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
(14) Computer Science: Define computer. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all computer decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm, design the communications to interface and all the necessary control programs.
(15) Management Science: Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.
(16) Public Speaking: 1500 riot-crazed students are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
(17) Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
(18) Modern Physics: Disprove Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Construct an experiment to prove your position.
(19) Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Prove your assertions, and be prepared to justify your decision.
(20) Agricultural Science: Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super high yield, all weather hybrid strain of wheat. Describe its chemical and physical properties and estimate its impact on world food supplies. Construct a model for dealing with world-wide surpluses. Write your Nobel Prize acceptance speech.
(21) Comprehension: Three minute time test. Read everything before doing anything. Put your name in the upper right hand corner of this page. Circle the word name in sentence three. Sign your name under the title of this paper, after the title write yes, yes, yes. Put an X in the lower left hand corner of this paper. Draw a triangle around the X you just put down. On the back of this paper multiply 703x668. Loudly call out your name when you get to this point. If you think you have followed directions carefully to this point call out "I have." Punch three small holes in the top of this paper. If you are the first person to get this far, call out "I am the first person to this point, I am leading in following directions." On the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and 9850. Put a circle around your answer and put a square around the circle. Now that you have finished reading carefully, do only sentence two.
(22) Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk behind you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
(23) Law Enforcement: There is a blue Chevy in the far left corner of the parking lot behind this building. The keys are in the ignition. Drive for three minutes as if you were completely and totally insane. Cause an accident. Write yourself a traffic violation for driving under the influence of stupidity. Pay special attention to the appropriate legal fines.
(24) Jurisprudence: In Part 2 of Shakespeare's "Henry VI," Jack Cade, the leader of the Populist revolt, proposes that the first order of business following a successful coup d'e'tat could be to "kill all the lawyers." In light of the present populist mood in the United States, assess the utility and any potential impact of such a policy today.
(25) Foreign Affairs: It has recently been suggested (especially after Black Monday) that only a foreign war can restore America's lost national consensus. Propose the ideal opponent(s) for the US in such a war, and how the conflict might be engineered so that US would seem not to be the aggressor in the situation. Discuss the pros and cons.
(26) Mathematics: Give today's date, in metric.
(27) Chemistry: Transform lead into gold. You will find a tripod and three logs under your seat. Show all work including Feynman diagrams and quantum functions for all steps. You have fifteen minutes.
(28) General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
Extra Credit: Define the Universe. Give two examples.
OH, THOSE DREADED HOTELS!
The Hotel, the Maid, and a Bar of Soap
The following correspondence takes place between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests.
Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, --S. Berman
Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. --Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. --S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. --Your regular maid, Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. --Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? --S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. --Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. --S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. --Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?! I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one bar of bath-size Dial! Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. --S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. I returned the 24 Camays which had been taken, and added the 3 Camays that you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets that Mr. Kensedder mentioned to me, but I also gave you 4 of them. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. --Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
-- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
-- On Kleenex dispenser - 10 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
-- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
-- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
-- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
-- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
-- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. --S. Berman
OH, THOSE SCIENTISTS!
Lateral Thinking....Just goes to show how simple solutions are often overlooked in life. This, as incredible as it may sound, is reportedly a true story:
In the early days of the American space program, NASA received reports from the astronauts that their pens would not write in space. Ball points, fountain pens, even quills, nothing worked! So NASA contacted the people who had supplied the pens and made money available for the production of a pen which would write in space. Eventually, thousands of dollars later, a suitable pen was produced, incorporating a small gas filled cylinder which propelled the ink out of the pen. It worked both in space and underwater. The problem was solved, albeit at great expense.
Many years later, when co-operation with the Russians was established, it occurred to someone at NASA to ask how the Russians had solved the problem. "There was no problem," they said, "we used a pencil."
OH, THOSE DREADED CONVERSIONS!
Conversions Made Easy:
For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was
the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English
units, here are some useful English system conversions:
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2. 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
3. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
4. Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
5. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
6. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
7. Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
8. 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
9. Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
10. Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
(think about it for a moment)
11. 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
12. 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
13. 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
14. 365.25 days: 1 unicycle
15. 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
16. 10 cards: 1 decacards
17. 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
18. 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
19. 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
20. 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
21. 10 rations: 1 decoration
22. 100 rations: 1 C-ration
23. 2 monograms: 1 diagram
24. 8 nickels: 2 paradigms
25. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale
University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
26. 100 Senators: Not 1 decision
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